Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
