dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
