Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
