Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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