And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
