when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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