you turned your livingroom into a bong?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
