this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
