I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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