im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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