You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
