i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
as a side note pls kill me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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