You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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