My first STD was from a foam party
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
