I faked an abortion last night.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
