Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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