She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
