Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
