I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
