I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
