Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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