I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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