I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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