My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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