I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
