I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
