You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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