my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
