We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
