I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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