dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
