i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
