Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
