meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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