Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You are the jesus of drinking
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
