Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Boobs are out for the taking
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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