you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
