i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
