The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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