I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
