It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
