My liver just broke up with me...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
