He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
