If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
