How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
