you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think a kid would responsible me up
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
