Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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