Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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