Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
