i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
