Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
