I'll bet she douches with gravy.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
