the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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