dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
