tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
