I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
